Grace grows best in winter
Now that it's all said and done,
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.
Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.
You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.
tThis is so my song pls. totally speaks of wad i've got to say now.
Mon was hell. totally hell. i guess no1 can ever noe hw it felt like except God. and i really learnt SO much from all these that i went/am goin thru. i spent the whole of monday emptying all e tears n all. tks sis! for the lovely daisy=). i barely slept and ate the entire day. and the moment i wake up on tues was wad happened on monday. i almost did tink everything was a dream. every wave tt came crashing on me was in my dreams. but then, after a second or two of rethinking.. apparently it was the reality.
Tues was.. equally bad. that i stil have to pull myself outta bed with a splitting headache and head to school, worse still.. to TRY and be productive and all. which turned out to fail badly. my heart wasnt even in school at all. but smehw i noe i refuse to be crippled till i become unproductive at all like lying at home. so i still took up the courage to come to school. Boon saw it all.. she saw how diffcult and tough it was for me to hang on the daytt seemed like eternity. was it hard for u on monday? or even tuesday? tt ran thru my head. E whole time i was trying to put on a smile .. or at least hold back e tears. everything played like a rerun. shu ai was so nice to sms in e morn. my mum was so nice to cook abalone for lunch. everyone was so nice to me these days.
Wed was not too bad. better. after much prayers and self-organising of thoughts. i was slowly looking at the brighter side of things. boon's letter really cheered me up alot. and i kept re reading it everytime i feel discouraged or so. and really.. like she said.. i don need someone who broke my heart lik tt.. he's not deserving of wad i've put in. its not worth it at all. wad i really held on was perhaps our memories..things we've went thru.. the good ole' days to put it simply. and yeahh.. sure it was tough. hell tough. n i really prayed a prayer of surrendering everything unto the Lord.. to pray for His strength and covering upon me. cried out to Jesus desperately.
thurs morning was the best. God showed me He really did care. He really would bring me thru this. Anything that come to us muz go thru God's permission. nth can reach us without His nod. and I believe He didnt do this cuz its sadistic.. its cuz to show me how true n real He can be.. and how amazing the strength He can give to me.. all i need to do is ask and believe. my mum drove me to sch as usual.. it was a rainy gloomy morning. just when i was begining to think again.. i looked up into the sky and i saw a complete semi circle double rainbow. and Awwww.. it was great. BEST. God noes hw to comfort his children doesnt he? BigDaddy noes best=) rainbow is God's promise=) I had to weather thru the fiercest storms to see the brightest rainbow. n my mum inspired me on this - " wahh..see! so thick the black clouds n yet the sun is still so brightly shining".. ya! indeeed hw true. no matter hw dark ur situation looks.. God reminds me tt the sun is always shining. God, my Sun, is always there. nth can hide His presence.. nth can. nt even the thick black clouds. His sovereignty is still in place.. His majesty reigns. He's in control.. and He's right there in you.. shining thru the black clouds and pouring His warm rays on you.
and i was just thinkin abt how my mum n dad took it pretty hard abt this whole thing. my mum was saying tt it hurts her to see me lik tt. i didnt sleep well.. neither did she. i was sad n she couldnt feel happy too. and i jus thought.. if my mum can too feel hurt on my part, why wouldnt God noe my pain? If it hurts my mum, it mus hv hurt God too to see my like that even more cuz He's afterall my heavenly Father. N tt's when i began to take tt step of faith to really trust tt God noes my situation.. and He's goin to bring me out of it.
And i begin to walk out of this. walk out of the pain. walk out of the tears n shattered heart. to let His joy to fill my heart once again. I begin to see all this as an opportunity to demostrate God's mighty love and strength tt i really wan others to see thru me. God gave me the strength to stand up in 4 days. 4 days is a really short time but i can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me. Nth is impossible. i didnt wna believe tt on mon. but i did now. despite the short time, It doesnt justify any of [your] actions at all.. n it doesnt mean e pain wasnt deep cuz it hell was. i forgave [you] but tt doesnt justify any of ur mistakes u made. the hurt u brought. none of tt. I took the courage once again to forgive by God's grace. By his power in His name. i almost wanted to make u feel guilty for life for all u've brought to me.. but by God's grace i will not. i'll take this as an opportunity to give Him all the glory and a chance to draw close to Him. I guess it's really in struggles tt u feel God the most.. normally we're often too busy to stop n appreciate Him.
Friday..aka tdy. i stepped into the room n i saw [you]. did it feel good? NO. did it feel awkward? YES. so much so tt i literally jus looked at u n even the smile to at least acknowledge wouldn't obediently come out. thrashed things out.. I thrashed it out. i barely heard it from u bt lik i've said.. it's pretty clear n there really isnt much to say tt will make any difference to me. e worst part came when i had to look at u n hear ur apology. i stopped n stared at e floor for perhaps 2mins. it was SO toughh. but by God's grace i did it anyway.
i quote my sis.. "taking baby steps at a time"..yeah i will. i will. one day i will brush away e awkwardness n all.
i quote boon.."It isn't worth it hanging on to a guy who cannot bear to give up the forest for that one.. cannot commit himself to you, put your feelings, your welfare, above his."
i quote shu ai.. "be strong. you r stronger than you think."
i quote boon quote kenneth ang.."yi ge slum ah"
i quote (shall nt be named).."perhaps u've gain more than u lost out. u've seen tt he is immature."
i quote my sis.."you will find sme1 better and u will b so much better off." (inserts her 'HUR' expression)
i quote e God's promise.." i will never leave nor forsake you."
